Learn stocks n shit.
The stock market explained like your smartest friend after two oat milk lattes. No boomer jargon. No cap. Just how this stuff actually works.
// chapter 1
The basics, it's giving TED talk
What even is a stock?
A stock is a tiny slice of a company. Buy one share of a pizza chain and congrats bestie, you own like 0.0000001% of the pizza. If the company slays, your slice is worth more. If it flops, your slice gets cold. That's literally it.
The stock market
It's basically a giant group chat where buyers and sellers haggle. Exchanges like the NYSE and Nasdaq are the venues. Prices move because of vibes — sorry, "supply and demand." More people want it = price goes up. Everyone dumps it = down bad.
How you actually make money
Two ways: (1) price goes up and you sell for more than you paid — that's a capital gain, W. (2) Some companies pay you just for holding — those are dividends, aka passive income, aka main character energy.
How you lose money
Price goes down and you sell. Or the company goes bankrupt and your shares hit zero. Ratio'd by the market. This is why you never invest money you need for rent, fr fr.
// chapter 2
How to actually trade (step by step, bestie)
- 01
Get a brokerage account
An app that lets you buy stocks (Fidelity, Schwab, Robinhood, etc). Takes like 10 minutes. You'll need ID and a bank account. No, your Venmo doesn't count.
- 02
Fund it
Move money in. Start small — even $20 is valid. Many brokers let you buy fractional shares, so you can own a piece of a $500 stock with $5. Broke-friendly era.
- 03
Pick a ticker
Every stock has a short code. Apple = AAPL. Tesla = TSLA. Look it up, read what the company actually does. Don't just ape in because a TikTok guy in a Lambo said so.
- 04
Place an order
Market order = buy now at whatever price, no thoughts head empty. Limit order = buy only if it hits YOUR price. Limit orders are the more rizzed-up move.
- 05
Hold (or don't)
Long-term holding is the boomer strat that lowkey works. Day trading is the chaotic strat that mostly doesn't. Choose your fighter.
// meme break
When your portfolio is down 40% but you're "in it for the long haul"
Real talk: markets crash. It's not a glitch, it's a feature. The S&P 500 has dropped big plenty of times and recovered over the long run. The people who get wrecked usually panic sell at the bottom. Touch grass, not the sell button. 🌱
// chapter 3
Strategies: choose your fighter
Buy & Hold
WCertified chill
Buy solid companies or index funds and just… leave them. Check back in 10 years. Historically the S&P 500 has averaged roughly ~10%/yr long term (not guaranteed, past ≠ future).
Dollar-Cost Averaging
WSet it & forget it
Invest the same amount every week/month no matter what. Buys more when cheap, less when pricey. Removes the 'timing the market' brainrot.
Day Trading
L (mostly)Unhinged
Buying and selling within the same day trying to catch tiny moves. Most day traders lose money. Stressful AF. Requires actual skill and a lot of screens.
YOLO Meme Stocks
GamblingDelulu is the solulu?
Going all-in on a hyped stock because the internet said so. Sometimes moons. Usually doesn't. Never with money you can't lose.
// chapter 4
Wall Street slang, translated 📖
- Bull market 🐂
- Prices going up for a while. Everyone's a genius. Ate and left no crumbs.
- Bear market 🐻
- Prices down 20%+ from the peak. Everyone's suddenly 'in it for the long term.'
- HODL
- Hold On for Dear Life. Don't panic sell. Diamond hands 💎🙌.
- Paper hands 🧻
- Selling the second it dips. Zero aura.
- ETF
- A basket of a bunch of stocks in one buy. Like a variety pack. Very demure, very mindful.
- Index fund
- An ETF/fund that copies a whole index like the S&P 500 (top ~500 US companies). Lowkey the GOAT for beginners.
- Dividend
- Cash a company pays you for owning shares. Free money glitch (not really, but kinda).
- Market cap
- Share price × number of shares. How big the company is. Big = blue chip. Tiny = penny stock (sus).
- P/E ratio
- Price ÷ earnings. How much you're paying for each $1 the company earns. Super high = hype tax.
- Volatility
- How wildly the price swings. High volatility = Skibidi rollercoaster.
- Short selling
- Betting a stock goes down. Can lose infinite money. Not for beginners, it's giving financial jump scare.
- Options
- Contracts to buy/sell at a set price later. Leveraged, complicated, how people go from $10k to $0 in a week. Learn first, bestie.
- Diversification
- Not putting all your eggs in one basket. Own lots of different stuff so one L doesn't end you.
- Bag holder
- Someone stuck holding a stock that tanked. Pray for them. 🙏
Red flags 🚩 (don't be an NPC)
- Anyone promising 'guaranteed' returns is cappin'.
- Investing your emergency fund. Keep 3–6 months of expenses in savings first.
- Taking advice from a guy whose whole personality is a rented Lambo.
- Going all-in on one stock. Diversify or die (financially).
- Ignoring fees. Small % fees eat your gains over decades.
- Revenge trading after a loss. That's tilt, not strategy.
// final boss
Vibe check quiz: are you him?
1. Your stock drops 15% in a day. You:
2. Best first investment for a total beginner?
3. What's a dividend?